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(More information about the Edwardian Dinner Party -- continued)
Louis made himself the source of honors and privileges, of grants and life incomes, of status. He set the standards of taste and made sure that every member of the aristocracy felt obliged to follow them. He also made following the standards so expensive that it was worth a year’s income to afford to live at court. Even so, the aristocracy became unwilling to live anywhere else, least of all on their own remote unsophisticated estates without the diversions of court life.
Over time, court protocol and customs became very rigid and focussed almost exclusively on the king’s wishes and daily routine. For example, when Louis XIV ate his noon meal, he ate alone with his courtiers standing in front of him watching. The court was expected to attend the king when he arose in the morning, and it was a privilege to assist the royal majesties in dressing. New ideas and change were not welcome.
This exchange of ideas among leaders in different disciplines, on a more modest scale, was another inspiration for the Edwardian dinners that Tony and I decided to give. There are certain challenges in doing this (such as lack of aristocratic pedigree and income!), and we have learned a lot along the way.
The Guests
It takes patience and exploration to put together a mix of guests from academe, the arts, business, journalism, government and politics, religion, and the wise men and women of the realm---especially since it is very important that guests feel very comfortable having a discussion with dinner partners they may well have just met. Some are more comfortable than others.
It is also somewhat of a challenge to get a good cross-section. Four guests from one profession is too many, since cross-pollenization and sharing of new views and ideas are two of the goals. Sometimes we know only one member of a couple, which is a bit chancey. We worry a fair amount about hurting the feelings of someone who hasn’t been invited yet. One just has to walk the path, doing one’s best.

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Good Manners
As in the 18th Century salons, good manners have many important roles.
The Invitation
In the past a mailed written invitation was appropriate for a dinner party, but today it is acceptable to send by email the same invitation with a heading and an RSVP request. It is prudent to send the invitation a month ahead and give an RSVP date of a week after estimated arrival time. If someone cannot attend, that allows the host to invite someone else who would have been invited later and still give them a week to respond, in order to maintain the intended size of the party.
Many Americans seem not to understand that an RSVP requires a response! It may be necessary to call a guest who has not responded to “ensure that the invitation was received.” (Actually, it may not have been.) A guest should respond by the given date, if only to explain why the guest does not yet know if he or she can attend. There is no reason to cause a host needless pain or problems from a lack of response.
Napkins and Use of Silverware
Similarly, some Americans seem not to know to spread one’s napkin in one’s lap, and some Americans seem not know which piece of silverware to use. It is not inconceivable for someone just before dessert to laugh and say, “Oh, for heaven’s sake! I’ve used my salad fork for everything!” One guest said, “I was wondering whether or not we would use that last spoon!” We did---for dessert. We live in a very informal society, and that must be taken into account.
The general rule at a seated meal is that no one should begin to eat until the hostess has lifted her piece of silverware. If the hosts are serving, however, is it polite to begin to eat before everyone is served when there are 12 to 14 to be served. One way to deal with this is for the host to say, “Oh. Do begin to eat,” if service is slow. If folks seem unsure, the host can jokingly ask one of the ladies by name “to serve as hostess and lift your soup spoon so that the rest of us will know it is alright to begin and just work our way inward through the silver from here on!” or something to that effect.
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